Burdened with Glorious Purpose

“Often a Christian man or woman falls prey to that cruel and vexatious spirit, wondering how to find marriage, who, when, where? It is on God that we should wait, as a waiter waits--not for but on the customer--alert, watchful, attentive, with no agenda of his own, ready to do whatever is wanted. 'My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.' (Ps. 62:5 KJV) In Him alone lie our security, our confidence, our trust. A spirit of restlessness and resistance can never wait, but one who believes he is loved with an everlasting love, and knows that underneath are the everlasting arms, will find strength and peace.” -Elisabeth Elliot

Looking back, the month of April was the best month of my life so far. So many new experiences! The two major ones that stick out are, of course, Romania and seeing Les Miserables live. But I am not only speaking of physical experiences.

You see, the month of April was a gift to me in direct answer to my prayers.

Sometime in March, I was pretty much at the end of my rope, feeling that all the patch-work responsibilities and endeavors of my stay-at-home life were useless. How on earth could God piece them together into something worthwhile? Was I wasting my time? Am I wasting my single years? Am I supposed to be a writer or is there something I am missing? So many questions--fears, really--crowded my mind. Finally, in desperation, I asked God for one thing:

"Lord Jesus, I don't care what it is I am doing." I prayed.  "I am willing to do and be anything. But please give me a sense of Your pleasure, a sense that I am exactly where you want me to be."

April came, and with it, the answer to my plea.

I lived in God's presence this month. I can't really describe it any other way. The two weeks in Romania effected me in so many ways, but one thing they gave me was a hunger for holiness. The constant putting of myself before God, and rejoicing in His nearness, and thinking on His goodness and His word. This was, at first, a response to being in church every day while we were there. Then it became a habit. Then a desire. Then when I came home, I found myself...well...to take Loki way out of context:

"Burdened with glorious purpose."

But truthfully. This month God awakened a fire within my heart, and my prayer since coming home has been that He would keep it cupped in His hands and breathe life into it, that it might blaze within me from now on. Because I don't want to lose this sense of living in His presence and His peace.

My circumstances haven't changed.

There have been trials this month as well as blessings. I have watched the Lord give form to some of my cherished dreams and strengthen my longing for them, and yet put out His hand and say, "Not yet, my darling one." And it would be desperately hard to wait except that His hand is gentle and heavy upon my shoulder, and I know that somehow He is sharing in my waiting. I have felt His pleasure alongside me as we look at a wheat-grown field, almost luminous in the half-light of dusk. I have cried and known that He is sharing my tears and my pain and I am not alone in this thing. He has given me the privilege of meeting beautiful, passionate fighters for His kingdom this month. I am so humbled by getting to know Pastor John and his story. His childlike, iron-clad faith... It seems too much that Jesus would allow me to spend two weeks in the company of magnificent men like him and his son and the others I met on that trip.

Jesus heard my desperate cry in March, and He held my hand and hoisted me to my feet, because He knew that April was coming. He knew that I would stand on the brink of Maytime and smile with a heart full to tears because of His goodness. He heard my cry. "In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul." -Psalm 138:3 

I suppose there is not a very large reason for this post, except as a testimony of praise to my Jesus of His great lovingkindness. My life is still shards of tiles waiting to be formed into a mosaic. My dreams are still only shadows, and I still don't have any idea of what I am doing. But oh, my heart is at peace. Because I have tasted of His presence and I have lived in the light of His smile and I can feel His pleasure and His guidance. I have thrown my lot in with the only One who knows what is going on in this mad, merry world, and I have made myself available. I'm not clinging to any ideas of what I'm doing. I've only asked that He use me. 

No idea where I'm going. No idea what's next or what isn't next. But the joy of this month was not built off a trip to Europe or to the Theatre. The joy of this month was built off of putting my hand in the Lord's and living with Him.

Maytime? I claim you as His.