to love at all is to be vulnerable.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken."

-C.S. Lewis.

The Lord has been teaching me much in the last month or so. :) Some of the lessons are only half-learned, some of them still on the road ahead. But I am learning one lesson that--though it is still fresh and raw and a tad painful, I felt that I needed to share.

I speak of loneliness.

You see, this issue didn't come in the manner I was accustomed to seeing it in. It didn't come from watching yet another period drama and wishing I had a guy of my own. It didn't come from watching other friends' romances and wishing dismally for my own. No. It sneaked in at a back door. It came from an unexpected source.

It came in through one of the greatest joys of my life.

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? By now I know you're wise to the cause for my loneliness. Yes, the Lord began putting His finger on this subject when Daniel and Abigail started a courtship. I prayed so so hard for a courtship between them. I had long nights of mental agony over the possibility of it not happening. The Lord blessed our family with the exciting news. Daniel and Abigail were officially starting a courtship. I was ecstatic. (and still am.)

But something unexpected began seeping in. Loneliness. The realization that something was going to change, whether I liked it or not. Daniel and Abigail have each other now, and though they both love me as much as ever, it is natural and right that I should take a back-stage seat and let them sail out of the harbor and onto the open seas.

And that was hard for me. I'm a passionate little creature and those I love, I love with a fierceness un-matchable. It made my heart ache fiercely to realize that I had to love them enough to let go.

That was the first lesson. I weeped a little weep over it one day and the Lord asked me clearly: "Are you willing to do this for me? Are you willing to be left behind? Because I need you here for now. Not out on the high seas. That is for them. This day I want you in the harbor, working among the docks."

Ouch. Lesson One choked down and swallowed and saved for a later date when I might need it again. I tried to let go completely. Of Daniel, of Abigail. Of my own need to feel loved and to have a special place in someone's heart. I thought I had let go. I really did. And then came the first, beautiful weekend Abigail and Daniel spent together as an official "couple."

It was hard for me.

Hard enough that I pinched myself repeatedly and scolded myself for being a selfish girl and then felt like bursting into tears every half-second. I was confused. Hadn't I let them go out to sea? Wasn't I content to stay in my harbor? What was wrong with me? Was it jealousy?

My eyes widened at this idea, but as I examined my heart I found (to my great relief) it was not jealousy. It was misplaced love. I love Daniel so much and I love Abigail so much that I was...well...to sound quite dragon-ish, I was hoarding them.

My Lord and I had another conversation on the subject:

"Lord, I love them so much! It is hard to let them go!"
Do you love them?"If this isn't love than I don't know what is. It hurts enough."
But do you really love them? Because I've given you an example of true love...love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast, is it not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking...

By this time I knew where the conversation was going, and I tucked Lesson Two away beside Lesson One. I was getting quite a collection, you see. I asked Jesus to help me love Abigail and Daniel the right way. To love them selflessly and to rejoice in this beautiful answer to my prayers. My heart was more cheerful and I felt that the serenity I'd tacked onto my face was becoming natural and unforced. But I suppose I still had rather more of the coal than the diamond about me because God was not quite finished. He's a Trinity, after all, and likes to give me gifts in threes....(actually, most of my best friendships in my life have been threesomes. Odd, that!)

Yup. Lesson Three still to be learned. He has sent one of my dearest friends to work at a camp all summer long--something she's prayed about for a long time. Since they began attending another church, I seldom see two of my other long-time best friends anymore. There is still no knight on the horizon.

I began to grumble within myself:

 "Lord, You're taking away my dearest friends and companions! You're changing everything I love so well as it is! What is it You are trying to teach me?"
Do you remember our conversation, my dear child?"Yes," I admitted.
And do you not remember that I have asked you to stay behind? His voice was not harsh or exacting, only gentle and grave.
"Yes." 

By this time I couldn't stand to be downstairs amid all the hubbub. I had a headache. It was about 10:30. I said my good-nights and hurried to get ready for bed, turned out the light, and took up the conversation again. (This time with some tears thrown in for emotional relief. I'd been needing a good cry.) "Lord...it does seem a very hard lesson to learn...being left behind. Why is it that You want me to be alone?"

I could almost hear Him laugh. I could almost see Him smile. Rachel, He said, am I not large enough to replace everyone? Abigail, and Daniel, and Maryanna, and Joanna, and Morgan and Katie and all the rest of them? I am the Lord of the Universe. Can't I fill the holes they leave in your life? Can't I fill them so you don't even know they are there, or ever had been there? Depend on Me. In Me and only in Me is true joy, and affection and Love. I am all you need.

His voice in my heart quieted me, dried my tears, and lulled me to sleep. Lesson Three. Learned for real this time. 

I share this with you, hoping you know that I'm not perfect. I've not arrived. For all I know there's still a Lesson Four ahead. Okay. I'll even confess that the last conversation related...yeah...(up there ^) only transpired last night.

It's that new. 

It's that fresh. 

But it's that important.

 I share these things with you because I know that some of you girls are in a similar spot. God is leading you in a quiet path of seeming loneliness. New relationships aren't happening, and old ones are changing. Fact is, you aren't even sure you want the change if it hurts so much. You see the beautiful things the Lord is doing, and yet it hurts so much you aren't sure if the old shabby things weren't the best after all. Recently on Google+ I posted this status: (Yes, vanity! ;) 

Learning to let go of How Things Were is the only painful part of receiving the gift of How Things Will Be...there is always that little moment of panic when one begins to wonder whether the old ways were pleasantest after all. But the Will Be is the real joy, the real end...everything else is just shamming about and Pretending. 

I hope this post encouraged some of you, boosted a spirit or two, and did a bit of good. But if it didn't do any of those things and if I am the only one who can relate, I know one thing. It was good for me. Thanks for reading. :) 

                       Love,

                              Rachel