Altar-Gleam

Let go.

Let go.

Trust Me.

It's what He's been saying, and what I've been trying to swallow, and great Scot, at least something's come out of it all:

"Altar-Gleam"

Oh, Lord, it rends my soul to give

this wish--desire--full away,

Not clinging to a piece of hope;

A piece that says, 'Perhaps someday...'

For now the thing--so frightening clear--

Is to release it dark and full

and keep no sliver-thought of me,

though giving leaves a gaping hole.

Desire--oh, how sharp the spears

of joy that haunt this favorite dream.

But am I Your's enough to push

this treasure toward Your altar's gleam?

The thund'ring toss of straining mind.

The clashing knowledge: this is right.

The heart's own cry: 'Oh, please, not yet!'

The beckon of Your fire bright.

No looking back, no holding on,

I watch my treasure dance in flame.

And then I feel inside my soul

the power of Your tender Name.

I've given what was dearest mine

but just before the wound bleeds free

You staunch the flow and catch my heart

and with Your Lover's arms hold me.

What looks as ash is only just

the dust from which Your plans arise

And though I feel the burning here

I see the mercy in Your eyes.

to love at all is to be vulnerable.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken."

-C.S. Lewis.

The Lord has been teaching me much in the last month or so. :) Some of the lessons are only half-learned, some of them still on the road ahead. But I am learning one lesson that--though it is still fresh and raw and a tad painful, I felt that I needed to share.

I speak of loneliness.

You see, this issue didn't come in the manner I was accustomed to seeing it in. It didn't come from watching yet another period drama and wishing I had a guy of my own. It didn't come from watching other friends' romances and wishing dismally for my own. No. It sneaked in at a back door. It came from an unexpected source.

It came in through one of the greatest joys of my life.

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? By now I know you're wise to the cause for my loneliness. Yes, the Lord began putting His finger on this subject when Daniel and Abigail started a courtship. I prayed so so hard for a courtship between them. I had long nights of mental agony over the possibility of it not happening. The Lord blessed our family with the exciting news. Daniel and Abigail were officially starting a courtship. I was ecstatic. (and still am.)

But something unexpected began seeping in. Loneliness. The realization that something was going to change, whether I liked it or not. Daniel and Abigail have each other now, and though they both love me as much as ever, it is natural and right that I should take a back-stage seat and let them sail out of the harbor and onto the open seas.

And that was hard for me. I'm a passionate little creature and those I love, I love with a fierceness un-matchable. It made my heart ache fiercely to realize that I had to love them enough to let go.

That was the first lesson. I weeped a little weep over it one day and the Lord asked me clearly: "Are you willing to do this for me? Are you willing to be left behind? Because I need you here for now. Not out on the high seas. That is for them. This day I want you in the harbor, working among the docks."

Ouch. Lesson One choked down and swallowed and saved for a later date when I might need it again. I tried to let go completely. Of Daniel, of Abigail. Of my own need to feel loved and to have a special place in someone's heart. I thought I had let go. I really did. And then came the first, beautiful weekend Abigail and Daniel spent together as an official "couple."

It was hard for me.

Hard enough that I pinched myself repeatedly and scolded myself for being a selfish girl and then felt like bursting into tears every half-second. I was confused. Hadn't I let them go out to sea? Wasn't I content to stay in my harbor? What was wrong with me? Was it jealousy?

My eyes widened at this idea, but as I examined my heart I found (to my great relief) it was not jealousy. It was misplaced love. I love Daniel so much and I love Abigail so much that I was...well...to sound quite dragon-ish, I was hoarding them.

My Lord and I had another conversation on the subject:

"Lord, I love them so much! It is hard to let them go!"
Do you love them?"If this isn't love than I don't know what is. It hurts enough."
But do you really love them? Because I've given you an example of true love...love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast, is it not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking...

By this time I knew where the conversation was going, and I tucked Lesson Two away beside Lesson One. I was getting quite a collection, you see. I asked Jesus to help me love Abigail and Daniel the right way. To love them selflessly and to rejoice in this beautiful answer to my prayers. My heart was more cheerful and I felt that the serenity I'd tacked onto my face was becoming natural and unforced. But I suppose I still had rather more of the coal than the diamond about me because God was not quite finished. He's a Trinity, after all, and likes to give me gifts in threes....(actually, most of my best friendships in my life have been threesomes. Odd, that!)

Yup. Lesson Three still to be learned. He has sent one of my dearest friends to work at a camp all summer long--something she's prayed about for a long time. Since they began attending another church, I seldom see two of my other long-time best friends anymore. There is still no knight on the horizon.

I began to grumble within myself:

 "Lord, You're taking away my dearest friends and companions! You're changing everything I love so well as it is! What is it You are trying to teach me?"
Do you remember our conversation, my dear child?"Yes," I admitted.
And do you not remember that I have asked you to stay behind? His voice was not harsh or exacting, only gentle and grave.
"Yes." 

By this time I couldn't stand to be downstairs amid all the hubbub. I had a headache. It was about 10:30. I said my good-nights and hurried to get ready for bed, turned out the light, and took up the conversation again. (This time with some tears thrown in for emotional relief. I'd been needing a good cry.) "Lord...it does seem a very hard lesson to learn...being left behind. Why is it that You want me to be alone?"

I could almost hear Him laugh. I could almost see Him smile. Rachel, He said, am I not large enough to replace everyone? Abigail, and Daniel, and Maryanna, and Joanna, and Morgan and Katie and all the rest of them? I am the Lord of the Universe. Can't I fill the holes they leave in your life? Can't I fill them so you don't even know they are there, or ever had been there? Depend on Me. In Me and only in Me is true joy, and affection and Love. I am all you need.

His voice in my heart quieted me, dried my tears, and lulled me to sleep. Lesson Three. Learned for real this time. 

I share this with you, hoping you know that I'm not perfect. I've not arrived. For all I know there's still a Lesson Four ahead. Okay. I'll even confess that the last conversation related...yeah...(up there ^) only transpired last night.

It's that new. 

It's that fresh. 

But it's that important.

 I share these things with you because I know that some of you girls are in a similar spot. God is leading you in a quiet path of seeming loneliness. New relationships aren't happening, and old ones are changing. Fact is, you aren't even sure you want the change if it hurts so much. You see the beautiful things the Lord is doing, and yet it hurts so much you aren't sure if the old shabby things weren't the best after all. Recently on Google+ I posted this status: (Yes, vanity! ;) 

Learning to let go of How Things Were is the only painful part of receiving the gift of How Things Will Be...there is always that little moment of panic when one begins to wonder whether the old ways were pleasantest after all. But the Will Be is the real joy, the real end...everything else is just shamming about and Pretending. 

I hope this post encouraged some of you, boosted a spirit or two, and did a bit of good. But if it didn't do any of those things and if I am the only one who can relate, I know one thing. It was good for me. Thanks for reading. :) 

                       Love,

                              Rachel

Alone...or Not?

As Valentine's Day approaches it can be tempting for me to start despairing (even tongue-in-cheek) about my lot as a single young lady. It is tempting to start betiding woe to my sisters: "This is so depressing--there's not a single guy I could marry even if he'd want me!" After all, nearly the only eligible guys I know are my brother and cousin... :P
I don't know about you girls, but my bouts of wistfulness in the marriage area jump me. They never creep up. I will be entirely content and all gung-ho for living the rest of my life in a nunnery if that would be what it takes, and then the next moment I will be seized with an overwhelming ache for a Someone of my own. I've told you I'm a romantic sort....

I'm sort of/kind of/really guilty of standing outside on more than one occasion and singing "Goodnight my Someone" when no one is listening. Ahem.

So what on earth do I do with these random/sporadic/vivid bouts of love and longing? Well, I'm not sure what your particular situation is, but I've told you mine. I have been spared many of what I'm sure would have been opportunities to get my heart entangled by the sheer lack of men in my circles. However, this brings up a different struggle--I am deeply in love with a Nobody. Seriously. I pray for my husband a lot and I can truly say this has caused me to love him...which is dumb because I do not have the slightest idea who he could be.

So back to the question. What on earth can a girl do with these moments?

I've been in this stage for the past couple of days...I think it was triggered by my watching Little Dorrit. For those of you who have not seen it, the hero is Arthur Clennam, and he's a man after my own heart. Contrary to what you find in most heroes (even our beloved Mr. Darcy) Mr. Clennam is not handsome. He's not particularly charming or witty, even. But he's good. He is so good. Learn his story and your heart will be forever melted....I think what gets me is that his character is such that he is very real. I actually feel that there is hope that I will meet a man like him one day.
I had forgotten how much I love him and then it all came flooding back. Note to Self: Never watch Little Dorrit when your heart is anything but perfectly staid and sober. But back to the point of this post. I was washing dishes and I suddenly knew what I needed to do. I needed to take a walk and talk to the Lover of my Soul. I finished up my chores, zipped up my coat and headed outside, and once I was quite sure that no one was listening, I started to pray aloud.
I told Jesus everything--from my wistfulness to my wish that Mr. Clennam was real to my wonderings about where my Someone will come from. And He listened. I know He did. And as I talked with Him in as conversational a way as I talk to my friends, the wistfulness slipped away, the longing quieted, the pain dulled, and I knew that He loved me. What do I look for in a husband? Someone to whom I am important. Someone who looks for me first thing when he walks in the door. Someone to whom one of my smiles would brighten his whole day. Someone, in short, who is mad about me.
And as I told all this to Jesus, He smiled at me. "Don't you see that One is Me?" He asked. "I'm crazy about you. If you had been the only on the face of the entire earth I would have died for you. Just for you, Rachel. I didn't come to die for all mankind. I came to die for one Rachel Heffington."
And suddenly, in that one moment, everything was set right. I don't have a man of my own. I will spend Valentine's day receiving sticky, over-loaded, precious cards from my siblings. There are no Secret Admirers for me, and I won't be getting any boxes of chocolates with a sweet card...but none of those things really matter because I have learned again just how much my Lover cares for me.